Change. As we all go through our lives, we as a person evolve. We slowly become less like the person we were, and in turn, slowly become the person we are. Sometimes, this isn't easy, and along the way we give up a lot of things. This inspired a little writing, so here it is.
It's been a long time, a long time since I've been here. The streets all look the same, more worn than I remember, but the familiarity is still there. The shops we used to frequent, well, most of them have been closed. Time has not been good to this place. I'm walking down the streets and I see the shadows from our past alive in the streets. I see us holding hands, walking and laughing about the night before. It's not an easy trip. It's been four years since I've been here last. I haven't spoken with anyone, I left town in a hurry, wanting to get away, wanting to give it up, wanting to remember nothing of my life here. I left without saying goodbye. I remember your somber tone on the phone as I told you I wasn't coming back, I heard the soft sob of your voice, and I even heard the tears running down your face. I had to do it though. It was a long time coming, and I couldn't bare the pain of this town anymore. So I left.
I didn't go anywhere in particular. I traveled. I lived, I laughed, and I loved. It was something that I hadn't seen or felt here long before I left. But returning, returning has filled me with something of regret. The pains of my past here are a burden upon my spirit. I never intended for any of this. My friends, my family, you, are all long gone, much like myself.
Being here, and leaving, changed me. I am not but the fickle boy I was when I first left this place. Building up the courage to leave this place, leaving everything behind, hardened me. But I had to do it. I couldn't stand being the person I was anymore. I had to become something else. Something more, something that I could never have become if I had stayed in this town. My only regret is letting everyone go. These four years have been truly inspiring. My eyes have been opened to a world that I never could have dreamed of while sitting here with any of you. I'm sorry for how that sounds, but there is a whole world out there that none of us could have ever imagined. We had our lives planned out right in front of us from the start. A part of me wishes that they still were, and that I had never deviated from that standard. But I had to. The monotony of it all was too much for me to handle. The bad began to outweigh the good, and I was too blind to see it myself.
I'm walking down these empty streets watching the shadows of the past liven the streets. It's hard to believe that after four years, so much has changed. I am not who I was. And I've become who I am, but at the expense of everything I left behind. I have no remorse for any of it. Maybe I have just become a cold and unknowing person. There is no nostalgia, there is no, pining for what there was. There is just me, on the empty street, watching the shadows from our past, our naive youth, our not knowing of what the future held for us.
Kinda random, and there is no real..... point to it, and I feel it jumps around a lot. But basically it's just someone who has come home after a long period of time to see how much has changed, and how he relates it to the changes in his life.... IDK
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
J'ai eu un rêve hier soir
Last night, I took a very long walk. Past all of the places that have some sort of importance to me, and I came back, ready to write about something that didn't need to be said in the first place. But I said it, and I feel bad for it. But it's whatever. That's not why I'm posting, I actually have something of meaning to say here. So I feel this is where it begins.
I had a dream last night (we drove out to see Las Vegas). No, but it may have been this morning, I'm not sure, the importance of it though, is that it was eye opening to an extent. I wont divulge into the problem in the dream, as I feel it isn't that important to what I did in the dream. When faced with the diversity of the situation, I ran. I ran, and I hid. And I watched as my friends and family looked for me, and was concerned for me.
In an existential kind of way, I feel that it showed me how I'm always running from my problems, and I can't continue to do this, not anymore. I need to, have to, must accept the things I have to accept. Not because it's best for me, which it is, because I have far too much to lose if I don't, like the friendship of someone who means so much to me, and I have been selfish lately, simply put.
Anyway, back to the dream, the dream ended in a very interesting way. I was walking down the road, a very unfamiliar one, but it reminded me of a road I've been down back in Vermont that I used to walk down with my Grandmother. There was snow on the ground and in the trees, and it was bitterly cold, and however, I could not see my breath before me. I was walking alongside a river/stream, and before I could do anything, the snow was gone, and I was undertaken by a fierce deluge. And in a cliche/trite way, swirling around me were all my friends and family who were looking for me the entire time.
I can't begin to understand much of anything about my dream, but I feel that in some ways it was an eye opener for me to come to terms with some things, and face the reality of my truth right now.
Si vous ne pouvez pas voir quel est devant vous, alors vous ne saurez jamais ce qu'est d'autre dehors
that is all for now
I had a dream last night (we drove out to see Las Vegas). No, but it may have been this morning, I'm not sure, the importance of it though, is that it was eye opening to an extent. I wont divulge into the problem in the dream, as I feel it isn't that important to what I did in the dream. When faced with the diversity of the situation, I ran. I ran, and I hid. And I watched as my friends and family looked for me, and was concerned for me.
In an existential kind of way, I feel that it showed me how I'm always running from my problems, and I can't continue to do this, not anymore. I need to, have to, must accept the things I have to accept. Not because it's best for me, which it is, because I have far too much to lose if I don't, like the friendship of someone who means so much to me, and I have been selfish lately, simply put.
Anyway, back to the dream, the dream ended in a very interesting way. I was walking down the road, a very unfamiliar one, but it reminded me of a road I've been down back in Vermont that I used to walk down with my Grandmother. There was snow on the ground and in the trees, and it was bitterly cold, and however, I could not see my breath before me. I was walking alongside a river/stream, and before I could do anything, the snow was gone, and I was undertaken by a fierce deluge. And in a cliche/trite way, swirling around me were all my friends and family who were looking for me the entire time.
I can't begin to understand much of anything about my dream, but I feel that in some ways it was an eye opener for me to come to terms with some things, and face the reality of my truth right now.
Si vous ne pouvez pas voir quel est devant vous, alors vous ne saurez jamais ce qu'est d'autre dehors
that is all for now
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
le défi pour être le mieux
My friends. Have been through so much with me. This past year has shown me who I can rely on, and who I cannot rely on. It has also opened my doors to a lot of new people I never thought I would meet.
So here is to a few certain people, who I will not name, even though I don't know who will ever be reading this, but still here we go.
1) We had been through so much together. It pains me how things happened and how things turned out. I feel betrayed. But it is more than that. We were best friends. You were the one person I could always rely on, the one person I could always confide in. You were my confidente. And now, you are nothing more than a memory in a picture I have sitting atop my fireplace in my room. What changed? How can people ever really change that much? I don't even know. It pains me. But c'est la vie, and well, bitches come and go, and I guess you were just the first one to leave. I'm sorry.
2) We have been friends for so long dude. So long. Middle school. Forever ago. And we stopped being friends for a long time..... till like 10th grade. But here you are, 4 years later, and you are without a doubt, one of my best friends, hands down, greatest dude I know. You really are one of the few people I can talk to about anything now. You may be the only person I talk to about anything and everything. Whether it be small road trips to RVA and back, or going home for stupid shit, or you just hanging out over here until 4 in the morning, you are one of my best friends, if not my best friend.
3) It's still kinda weird how we met, because I was still very hesitant to go that night. And oddly enough, here we are. When I met you, I was like, this bitch is CRAZY, and you are, but it's very fitting. You're funny, witty, observent, and not afraid to say what you want to say. You are confident, and articulate, and painfully honest, but its a good thing as well. I don't know how we evolved to what we are now, but I do not regret it. You have this ability to swing my mood to a complete 180, and more likely than not, you are putting me into a much better mood. Whether we're just laying around watching movies, more like you bitching about not watching the movie or falling asleep, or going out places or hanging out with your roomates or my roomates, you are pretty great, and I am greatful for you being here for me, especially with these past few weeks.
4) This is for two people. You are the closest things to brothers I'll ever have. I miss you two so much, and it sucks that we don't ever get to hangout. I feel that it's my fault to an extent, because I pushed you two out a long time ago. But you two will forever be my two best friends, my brothers, and the two people I can count on for anything. Wavelength, all I'm saying.
5) You have slowly become one of my best friends..... It's weird, because we hated eachother for... well, the first couple months we really knew eachother. Living with you was not even one of the worst things that ever happened, because we became such great friends, which was sweet. I can count on you for so much, and I appreciate you for it. You are a great friend despite our minor tiffs about stupid shit.
well, this was all.
Don't know why. Just bored.
So here is to a few certain people, who I will not name, even though I don't know who will ever be reading this, but still here we go.
1) We had been through so much together. It pains me how things happened and how things turned out. I feel betrayed. But it is more than that. We were best friends. You were the one person I could always rely on, the one person I could always confide in. You were my confidente. And now, you are nothing more than a memory in a picture I have sitting atop my fireplace in my room. What changed? How can people ever really change that much? I don't even know. It pains me. But c'est la vie, and well, bitches come and go, and I guess you were just the first one to leave. I'm sorry.
2) We have been friends for so long dude. So long. Middle school. Forever ago. And we stopped being friends for a long time..... till like 10th grade. But here you are, 4 years later, and you are without a doubt, one of my best friends, hands down, greatest dude I know. You really are one of the few people I can talk to about anything now. You may be the only person I talk to about anything and everything. Whether it be small road trips to RVA and back, or going home for stupid shit, or you just hanging out over here until 4 in the morning, you are one of my best friends, if not my best friend.
3) It's still kinda weird how we met, because I was still very hesitant to go that night. And oddly enough, here we are. When I met you, I was like, this bitch is CRAZY, and you are, but it's very fitting. You're funny, witty, observent, and not afraid to say what you want to say. You are confident, and articulate, and painfully honest, but its a good thing as well. I don't know how we evolved to what we are now, but I do not regret it. You have this ability to swing my mood to a complete 180, and more likely than not, you are putting me into a much better mood. Whether we're just laying around watching movies, more like you bitching about not watching the movie or falling asleep, or going out places or hanging out with your roomates or my roomates, you are pretty great, and I am greatful for you being here for me, especially with these past few weeks.
4) This is for two people. You are the closest things to brothers I'll ever have. I miss you two so much, and it sucks that we don't ever get to hangout. I feel that it's my fault to an extent, because I pushed you two out a long time ago. But you two will forever be my two best friends, my brothers, and the two people I can count on for anything. Wavelength, all I'm saying.
5) You have slowly become one of my best friends..... It's weird, because we hated eachother for... well, the first couple months we really knew eachother. Living with you was not even one of the worst things that ever happened, because we became such great friends, which was sweet. I can count on you for so much, and I appreciate you for it. You are a great friend despite our minor tiffs about stupid shit.
well, this was all.
Don't know why. Just bored.
Monday, November 17, 2008
C'est quoi c'est quoi dans cette désastre doux
Hours upon hours have passed solemnly. Too many to count, a number that cannot be fathomed. Distress. Unease. Incessant. Unrelenting. It seems like it was only yesterday. Distress. Saddened. Long drive home. Unfortunate.
It's been a year. I say this with surprise. Time is not a fair measure. It passes so fast. Too fast. And sometimes, not fast enough. Sometimes I don't even understand how I've ended up where I am.
I'll tell the saddest story, of how we made it through this past year
Long story short, my friends.
It has been one year. I know I keep saying this, but it's still hard for me to understand. I was talking to Mariano about it earlier, and he understands, but doesn't understand. It pains me that time has passed by so fast, but it should shouldn't it? It feels as if it were yesterday we were all hanging out in Semaj's room, or in Travis's garage, going to late night movies, and doing some stupid ass shit, with Tyler.
His name is used few and far. I don't know why. It's not like the imprint of the cold slap to the face still resides upon our brow. It's been a year. And still, we do not speak his name. We bite our tongue, we just remember, we don't reminisce, never enjoy, bask in the glory of our youth. We just... accept. It's not like he isn't a real person. Just because he has been gone for so long, feeling as if it hasn't been as long as it has been, doesn't take away from all the great memories. But I don't understand why we never talk about him anymore.
An angel got his wings, and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine
we'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a life time
friends stay side by side, through life and death, you've always stole my heart
All I really mean to say with all of this ramble is the following:
Tyler, in the short time we were friends that summer, you became such a pivotal and important part of our group of friends. Never in my life did I meet someone quite like you, and I don't know if I will ever be blessed with a friend quite like you again. I miss you.
It's been a year. I say this with surprise. Time is not a fair measure. It passes so fast. Too fast. And sometimes, not fast enough. Sometimes I don't even understand how I've ended up where I am.
I'll tell the saddest story, of how we made it through this past year
Long story short, my friends.
It has been one year. I know I keep saying this, but it's still hard for me to understand. I was talking to Mariano about it earlier, and he understands, but doesn't understand. It pains me that time has passed by so fast, but it should shouldn't it? It feels as if it were yesterday we were all hanging out in Semaj's room, or in Travis's garage, going to late night movies, and doing some stupid ass shit, with Tyler.
His name is used few and far. I don't know why. It's not like the imprint of the cold slap to the face still resides upon our brow. It's been a year. And still, we do not speak his name. We bite our tongue, we just remember, we don't reminisce, never enjoy, bask in the glory of our youth. We just... accept. It's not like he isn't a real person. Just because he has been gone for so long, feeling as if it hasn't been as long as it has been, doesn't take away from all the great memories. But I don't understand why we never talk about him anymore.
An angel got his wings, and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine
we'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a life time
friends stay side by side, through life and death, you've always stole my heart
All I really mean to say with all of this ramble is the following:
Tyler, in the short time we were friends that summer, you became such a pivotal and important part of our group of friends. Never in my life did I meet someone quite like you, and I don't know if I will ever be blessed with a friend quite like you again. I miss you.
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