C'est mon identité

Change. As we all go through our lives, we as a person evolve. We slowly become less like the person we were, and in turn, slowly become the person we are. Sometimes, this isn't easy, and along the way we give up a lot of things. This inspired a little writing, so here it is.

It's been a long time, a long time since I've been here. The streets all look the same, more worn than I remember, but the familiarity is still there. The shops we used to frequent, well, most of them have been closed. Time has not been good to this place. I'm walking down the streets and I see the shadows from our past alive in the streets. I see us holding hands, walking and laughing about the night before. It's not an easy trip. It's been four years since I've been here last. I haven't spoken with anyone, I left town in a hurry, wanting to get away, wanting to give it up, wanting to remember nothing of my life here. I left without saying goodbye. I remember your somber tone on the phone as I told you I wasn't coming back, I heard the soft sob of your voice, and I even heard the tears running down your face. I had to do it though. It was a long time coming, and I couldn't bare the pain of this town anymore. So I left.

I didn't go anywhere in particular. I traveled. I lived, I laughed, and I loved. It was something that I hadn't seen or felt here long before I left. But returning, returning has filled me with something of regret. The pains of my past here are a burden upon my spirit. I never intended for any of this. My friends, my family, you, are all long gone, much like myself.

Being here, and leaving, changed me. I am not but the fickle boy I was when I first left this place. Building up the courage to leave this place, leaving everything behind, hardened me. But I had to do it. I couldn't stand being the person I was anymore. I had to become something else. Something more, something that I could never have become if I had stayed in this town. My only regret is letting everyone go. These four years have been truly inspiring. My eyes have been opened to a world that I never could have dreamed of while sitting here with any of you. I'm sorry for how that sounds, but there is a whole world out there that none of us could have ever imagined. We had our lives planned out right in front of us from the start. A part of me wishes that they still were, and that I had never deviated from that standard. But I had to. The monotony of it all was too much for me to handle. The bad began to outweigh the good, and I was too blind to see it myself.

I'm walking down these empty streets watching the shadows of the past liven the streets. It's hard to believe that after four years, so much has changed. I am not who I was. And I've become who I am, but at the expense of everything I left behind. I have no remorse for any of it. Maybe I have just become a cold and unknowing person. There is no nostalgia, there is no, pining for what there was. There is just me, on the empty street, watching the shadows from our past, our naive youth, our not knowing of what the future held for us.




Kinda random, and there is no real..... point to it, and I feel it jumps around a lot. But basically it's just someone who has come home after a long period of time to see how much has changed, and how he relates it to the changes in his life.... IDK

J'ai eu un rêve hier soir

Last night, I took a very long walk. Past all of the places that have some sort of importance to me, and I came back, ready to write about something that didn't need to be said in the first place. But I said it, and I feel bad for it. But it's whatever. That's not why I'm posting, I actually have something of meaning to say here. So I feel this is where it begins.

I had a dream last night (we drove out to see Las Vegas). No, but it may have been this morning, I'm not sure, the importance of it though, is that it was eye opening to an extent. I wont divulge into the problem in the dream, as I feel it isn't that important to what I did in the dream. When faced with the diversity of the situation, I ran. I ran, and I hid. And I watched as my friends and family looked for me, and was concerned for me.

In an existential kind of way, I feel that it showed me how I'm always running from my problems, and I can't continue to do this, not anymore. I need to, have to, must accept the things I have to accept. Not because it's best for me, which it is, because I have far too much to lose if I don't, like the friendship of someone who means so much to me, and I have been selfish lately, simply put.

Anyway, back to the dream, the dream ended in a very interesting way. I was walking down the road, a very unfamiliar one, but it reminded me of a road I've been down back in Vermont that I used to walk down with my Grandmother. There was snow on the ground and in the trees, and it was bitterly cold, and however, I could not see my breath before me. I was walking alongside a river/stream, and before I could do anything, the snow was gone, and I was undertaken by a fierce deluge. And in a cliche/trite way, swirling around me were all my friends and family who were looking for me the entire time.

I can't begin to understand much of anything about my dream, but I feel that in some ways it was an eye opener for me to come to terms with some things, and face the reality of my truth right now.

Si vous ne pouvez pas voir quel est devant vous, alors vous ne saurez jamais ce qu'est d'autre dehors

that is all for now